Start with three things
Before you write any sentences, sit with one piece of paper. At the top write the person's full name. Underneath it write three things you want anyone in the room to remember about them for the rest of their life.
Those three things are the eulogy. Everything else is the frame around them.
If you cannot think of three things, you are looking too high. Lower the bar. The way she laughed. The thing he always said when he was about to make a decision. The food she always brought. The way he greeted you at the door. The phrase he used a thousand times that you can still hear in his voice.
Specific small things almost always beat large abstract ones. The room recognises a person from the small details. Find three of them.
Decide who they were, in one sentence
After you have your three things, write one sentence that captures who this person was. Not a description of what they did. A description of who they were.
"She was the kind of grandmother who made every grandchild feel like the favourite, and she somehow made it true for each of us."
"He was a man who showed up. Quietly. Always. For everyone who needed him."
"She had a way of paying attention to people that made them feel taller for the rest of the day."
That one sentence becomes the centre of the eulogy. Every story you tell will support it. Every detail you include will reinforce it. Every line that does not fit it can be cut.
The structure that works for almost every eulogy
Most eulogies work in four parts.
Open. Acknowledge the room and say who you are. One or two sentences. Do not start with a quote. Do not start with a dictionary definition. Do not start with a poem. The room came for the person, not for ornament.
Describe who they were. Three to five sentences. This is where your one-sentence portrait sits, expanded slightly. The kind of person they were. What they believed in. What they were like to be around.
Tell two or three small specific stories. This is the heart of the eulogy and the longest section. The stories show, where the description told. Concrete scenes. Things you can see in your head.
Close with what they leave behind. Not in a grand way. In a true way. The thing you will carry forward. The way you will remember them. The way the absence sits in the world. Then stop.
Every section should keep returning to them. The eulogy is a portrait, not a memoir of your relationship with them.
What to actually say
Specific beats abstract every time.
Do not say she was kind. Say she remembered the names of every cashier at every shop she went to and asked about their children.
Do not say he was funny. Say he could make a stranger in a queue laugh inside thirty seconds.
Do not say she was strong. Say she raised four children on a teacher's salary and you never once heard her say it was hard.
The pattern: choose one specific small thing the person did. Tell it as a tiny scene, in two or three sentences. Let the listener draw their own conclusion. The room will hear "kind" or "loyal" or "funny" without you ever having to say the word.
Two or three concrete moments are worth more than a page of adjectives.
What to avoid
Avoid the obituary trap. The eulogy is not a list of jobs, addresses, awards, and dates. The obituary covers that. The eulogy is for who they were.
Avoid sympathy card language. "Passed away." "In a better place." "Watching over us." "Lost their battle." "Heaven gained an angel." None of these are anyone's actual voice. Plain words land harder.
Avoid clichés generally. If a phrase has been used at a thousand funerals, the room will have heard it a thousand times. Yours will land only if your words are yours.
Avoid the saint version. Real people had faults that were sometimes the most lovable thing about them. A small honest line about a fault, named with love, often becomes the most moving line in the eulogy.
Avoid stories that only three people will follow. Inside jokes can be set up briefly so the rest of the room is included. Otherwise leave them out.
Avoid airing things the person would not have wanted aired. Honour what they would have chosen to be public about.
How long it should be
Three to five minutes is the sweet spot for most eulogies. About four hundred to seven hundred spoken words.
Shorter is fine. A two minute eulogy delivered with feeling is better than a ten minute one that loses the room.
Longer than seven minutes and people start to drift. Trust this. Cut anything you are not sure about. The room will not notice what you left out, only what you said.
If multiple people are speaking, coordinate. Several short tributes, each two or three minutes, can carry a service better than one long one.
How to deliver it without breaking down
Print it large. Double space it. Number the pages. Bring a backup copy.
Read it out loud at home, all the way through, three times. The first time you will cry. The second time less. The third time you will know which lines are the hardest and you will be ready for them.
If a line breaks you in rehearsal, that is the line to slow down on. Not the line to cut.
Bring a glass of water to the lectern. Drinking water is a legitimate way to take a long pause.
Speak slower than feels natural. Eulogies are almost always read too fast.
Have one trusted person in the front row who can take over if you cannot continue. Tell them in advance. You almost certainly will not need them. Knowing they are there is what makes it possible to start.