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How to Write a Eulogy for Your Brother

A brother is one of the few people in your life who knew you before anyone else got a chance to. Writing his eulogy means writing about a relationship that started before either of you can remember. Take your time.

Start with the version of him only a sibling sees

Everyone in the room knew a version of your brother. His friends knew one. His coworkers knew another. His wife or partner knew a third. You knew the one nobody else gets to see. The brother version. The kid he was. The teenager he was. The person who sat across the dinner table from you for the first eighteen years of his life.

Lean on that. The eulogy works best when you bring something into the room that nobody but a sibling could.

Start with one piece of paper. Write three things you know about him because you grew up with him. Specific things. The thing he always did when he was nervous. The way he laughed. The argument you had a thousand times. The thing he did at fourteen that you both still laughed about at forty.

Those three things are the spine.

What to actually say about him

Concrete details, in plain words. Not "he was funny." Say "he made me laugh harder than any other person on earth, often at things that made nobody else laugh, and that is what brothers are for."

Not "he was loyal." Say "he showed up at my house at two in the morning the day after my divorce was finalised, with a bottle of whiskey and no plan, and we did not talk about it, and that was exactly right."

Not "he was generous." Say "he gave me the watch our father gave him, on my fortieth birthday, and would not take it back even when I tried, and I am wearing it today."

Two or three of these moments and the room knows him.

A structure that fits a sibling

Open by acknowledging the room and saying who you are. If there are several siblings, name them briefly so the room knows the family.

Tell who he was, in your honest words. Three to five sentences. The brother. The man. The father, husband, friend if he was. Lean into the brother part because that is what only you can speak to.

Tell two or three short specific stories. Childhood. Adolescence. Adulthood. The one phone call. The one road trip. The thing you still cannot believe you both got away with at fourteen.

Close with what he leaves. The phrase your family still uses that came from him. The way his children look exactly like him at the same age. The way his absence sits in every family meal from now on. Then stop.

What to avoid

Avoid the inside-jokes-only-three-people-get problem. Brothers have a thousand of these. Pick one or two and set them up briefly so the rest of the room can laugh too. Resist the urge to include all of them.

Avoid making him into a saint. He was not. The room knows. A line about a fault you loved him for is more powerful than five lines of polish. "He was the most stubborn man I have ever known and he would have argued with you about that too." That line gets a real laugh and a real tear at the same time.

Avoid sympathy card phrases. "He passed away too soon." "He is in a better place." None of these are your voice. Plain language hits harder.

Avoid airing things between the two of you that he would not have wanted aired. The funeral is not the place to bring up the argument you never finished. If the relationship was complicated, there is a separate guide on this site for that situation.

How long it should be

Three to five minutes for a brother's eulogy is right. About four hundred to seven hundred words.

If multiple siblings are speaking, two or three minutes each is plenty. Coordinate so each of you takes a different angle.

A brother's eulogy delivered with a real laugh and a real tear, in the same five minutes, is what people remember. Trust the small honest moments. Do not perform.

A sample passage

Tom was three years older than me, and for the first eighteen years of my life he was the smartest, funniest, most exasperating person I knew. For the next thirty years, he was the same, except that I had also figured out how lucky I was. He taught me how to throw a punch and how to take one. He taught me how to apologise. He taught me, at sixteen, how to drive his car badly enough that he would never lend it to me again. He showed up at every important moment of my adult life, often without being asked, often with the wrong wine, always with the right thing to say. There is no version of me that was not partly built by him. There never will be a version of me that is not still partly built by him. I will miss him every day for the rest of my life. I would not trade one of the years we had.

Common questions

How long should a eulogy for a brother be?+

Three to five minutes spoken, about four hundred to seven hundred words. If several siblings are speaking, two or three minutes each is plenty.

Is it okay to be funny?+

Yes. Brothers often shared a particular kind of humour and the room will be grateful for one or two real laughs. Pick the jokes that the whole room can follow, not only the ones for the family.

We are several siblings. How do we coordinate?+

Each picks a different angle. One on childhood, one on the man he became, one on his children. Talk in advance so you do not all tell the same story. Keep each piece short.

What if there was a long estrangement?+

Speak only to what was true. There is a separate guide on this site for difficult relationships. You can deliver an honest eulogy that acknowledges the gap without using the moment to settle anything.

What if I am the younger sibling and feel I do not have the standing?+

Younger siblings give some of the most moving eulogies because they speak from a different angle than the older ones. Speak from where you actually were. The room will hear it.

Should I mention his wife and children?+

Briefly. One or two sentences. They may be giving their own eulogies, in which case yours can leave that ground for them. Keep your eulogy on the brother you knew.

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